Oh We Can Dream

Its May.
I'm 23. Yes I'm fucking 23.
Time is flying by me so fucking fast. Where did my youth go?
Everything's all of a sudden so much more harder. Responsibilities and maturity fall in line for me.
Decisions and commitments. Changes and realizations. Sigh.
I know everyone has to go through it. Everyone has to grow up eventually, and my time is here.
I'm not saying that this is gonna happen overnight, I'm still as much of a kid I was 5 years back in some ways, but mentally and physically, I'm growing and I feel it.

If I were to die tomorrow. Let me say this, there are so many things I've been held back from doing before my time. I can confidently say that I have some who doesn't really love ME. Some who are somewhat not proud to have me by their side in this life. Some who I know wouldn't stand up for me and love me for who I am as a person inside and outside. Some who will always stop me from doing what I want because of their own selfish intentions and thoughts. Someone who wants to be accepted but CAN'T accept me.

If I were to die tomorrow, I would not die a happy person.

Its indeed sad, but its the truth.
You may think I'm small minded or have the wrong priorities in life, but this is how I see it, this is me. These are my thoughts and my feelings. And I'm beginning to question them. Every single day.
Is this what I want? Because this isn't how I want it to go. I think about others way too much that I sometimes forget about myself. About what I want. About my needs. And honestly I'm terrified as hell, because I'm just losing it. Everything I thought this would be, is somehow... not how it should be.

"The spark never lit up a fire, though I tried and I tried and tried."

I too am human and I have my dreams. I don't want it all but a little wouldn't hurt.
So where does all this leave me? What about my hope and dreams?
What about what makes me happy? Regardless whether big or small. Tangible or not.
What about me? Don't I matter at all?
I know I'm not important. Even if I wasn't around, people would be sad only for awhile but after that everyone would move on... but while I'm still here I wanna do things I want and that'll make me happy.
I just wished the people around me would get it through their thick skull and quit being so fucking selfish.
I'm not a kid anymore and I can think for myself, and right now I'm thinking, its either me the way I am or else what ever find your miss perfect because I can't be what people expect me to be in their heads. Not anymore.
I'll grow into my own fucking skin. So just let me, if you don't agree then just go.


Quote of the day;
So long I was so in love with you, and then I thought.

You Say.

You say that you love the rain,
But you open your umbrella when it rains.
You say that you love the sun,

But you find a shadow spot when the sun shines.

You say that you love the wind,
But you close your windows when wind blows.
This is why I'm afraid, you say that you love me too.

-William Shakespeare.


Its been 5 days and counting. Missing someone who's a big part of your life is the hardest.
Sigh.



Quote of the day;
"Stay with me."

The Long Pause

Last entry was in July... WOW.
So much has changed since then... so much has happened.
I sometimes feel guilty, that I tend to turn to this place when I feel like I'm gonna crack...
Its so unfair that I fail to jot down all the good and happy times I have.
Trust me, I'm not some emo fuck... I do smile. I do laugh. I do live.

Part of me never bothers anymore because I know that first of all, no one gives a shit bout what I have to say and what I'm going through. Heck, there are other much more important things goin on in the world today, so many other much more creative people to read from... so many other interesting things to read about instead of ramblings by a not so special person.

So today, I'm gonna make an attempt to not be such an over emotional woman... and lighthen things up. I'm not saying its gonna be all rainbows and unicorns... just sayin'.

Work at Star360 is really nice... people here are like family... there are clans la... no doubt, but all the clans get along so its pretty cool. I get to design clothes...sporting outfits to be exact... I'm still learning la. When I go to malls now, I don't just look at clothes... I'm studying them... type of print, type of sewing, the different types of materials... its a whole new thing for me and its so exciting. I honestly would love to design clothes. Hence why the one thing I really wanna get is, a sewing machine. I know bummer huh... most people my age would want a new phone... (if you've seen my phone, you'd think I'm stupid, though I do kinda need a new phone la...mine keeps getting me in trouble with people)... but I'm somewhat inspired... and its such a cool feeling.
You see, I'm not one of those people who loves cracking their brains when it comes to work. I love using my hands. I love creating... experimenting. Some people till this day don't get it... some just aren't supportive...but its alright... I can do this. For once I actually have dreams... I have more things which I look forward to.


With dreams and aspirations aside, December's gonna be a lonely one this year. A cold one.
He's going off for a family trip... for 3 weeks. I try so hard to not think about it. It scares me. But when I do, 3 weeks seems like a fucking eternity. What am I gonna do? How am I gonna live? Will he be safe? What would he do? Would he forget about me? Would we drift apart?
Those 3 or 5 days away from me, on family holidays are already torture. Bearable, but hard. Imagine 3 weeks. No one knows... but I'm kinda freaking out inside... like I'm so so freaking out.
I know I'll survive... and yes maybe I am being a little dramtic. But I'm human, and I'm scared.

I know one things for sure la, there would definately be days when I'm gonna lock myself up and sit in my room and listen to My December by LP and cry like a fool. I forsee all these things happening already... cos when he went away for NS, I did the exact same thing... except it wasn't December... it was in March if I'm not mistaken. But still... it felt legit.

With my fears being let out done, Christmas is around the corner... Oh boy. Thaaat time of the year a creeeeeeeepin' in on us like a sly mofo... and all I can think of is, Christmas, without him. Sigh... I'm gonna miss my high pitched, sometimes annoying, round, brown eyed, ever so adorable (at times), loving and enduring boy. Sigh.

Haih... so damn much to say... so little time. A part of me is sad... that he has to go... but another part feels like it's not right, being so selfish. I would never stop him when it comes to family and things like these. He deserves it.

Alright la... I'll try to keep this place a little more alive... till then... behave kids.

Quote of the day ;
" If it hurts this much, then it must be love."

Silence is Murder

It has truely been a while since I've had the time to write... and let my brains just ooze all these words...

Its been...a long time... and life has been happening so fast. Right before my eyes. It moves, changes, matures, grows and unfolds.

With all this, I have a whole new stack of questions which I often drown myself in.
Questions like If lifes gonna get more and more tougher, how did mummy and daddy do it?
If lifes gonna get any more tougher, how am I gonna do it?
I need some one whom I know I can trust. Someone whom would have my back no matter what.
Some one who would love me for who I am and accept me just like how I would learn how to do.

I still have so much to learn man. I'm not fully matured, I'm aware of that.
I'm still growing. And to have patience is not as easy as it seems.
Sacrifices have to be made. Sacrifices. Sigh, sacrifices.
I'd have to give up what makes me happy at times... knowing that chances are I would regret these decisions I make today.

Being loved... genuinely loved. How does it feel?
I wanna experience that before I die. I wanna experience acceptence and compromise.
Adoration. Where are you?

If one expects to be loved and treated in a certain way, practice it first. And don't expect. Expectation most of the time just leaves us with nothing more than disappointment.
And yes I myself am not perfect, I tend to expect things... and always end up disappointed when nothing happens. It truely sucks. Really.

Well with all these being said, I wanna know how do I cope with being curbed all the time...
Because I don't like being told what to do. I hate it. Unless its like a job and my responsibility then its a different story all together... but being curbed... is not acceptable to me. Sigh guess I'll just have to learn, its part of growing up, I'd tell myself to get me by.
I wanna know is it possible for someone to love you back as much as you love them?
I wanna know so badly.

Alright I'll be back soon... I'm kinda hungry...
Till my next post, behave kids.


Quote of the day;
"I'm only human, I've got a skeleton in me."

Self-Service

Don't be shy. You can take another piece of me. Everyone else already has.

Until there's nothing left. Until I disappear.

Maybe.

And maybe I'll sleep at the station because there's nothing to go home to but an empty fridge and some stale mayonnaise.

And maybe I'll make friends with the guys sleeping under cardboard boxes and newspapers and we'll discuss what it means to love and to live.

And maybe I'll wander the city, one lost particle in a dust storm of Mondays, late nights and reports due yesterday.

And maybe I'll get on a plane or a ship and get lost in places I've never been lost in before.

And maybe I'll keep my phone on me in case you call. And tell me there's something to come home to.

- I wrote this for You.

Rolling In the Deep

A Happy Easter to all...

Its always nice hanging out with the family... I always look forward to family gatherings...
Cos my family... from mummy's side is like... tight knit... we're all so close and we all look out for each other and love laughing together. Not everyone has that... not every family is like that... I'm blessed...
Granny isn't getting any younger either... there are two people whom I look up to in my life... they're my mother and my grandmother.
Granny because of what a strong lady she is...
Mummy because of her pure heart, he unconditional love for the whole family and also because she is one of the strongest person whom I'd ever meet in my whole entire life.
She holds us all together...and cares so effortlessly...I wanna be just like her when I grow old.
I want to be strong.
Not perfect but strong and pure.

Sigh. Role models aside... the gloomy weather makes going through this monday very hard for me. I mean, when one is feeling down, some cheerful weather helps... alittle I suppose...
Now I just feel like the sky is just reflecting my feelings...mocking me with its thunderous laughter.

I've been sitting here... asking myself... where the fuck did I go wrong in this.
I'm asking myself if this is really what I want... if... I'm willing to go on in life, knowing that I'm not accepted the way I am... knowing that I can't be loved if I am a certain way...
I have never ever had it in me to change someone just because I don't like it. Hells, I voice out that I don't like it but I don't limit nor curb. I have no right to do so... cos... I wouldn't wanna be the reason for someone to miss out on things they'd wanna experience in life...for themselves.
That would make me selfish.

I really miss the days when I was loved for who I am.
The days when... my qualities and traits were taken notice more than my flaws and habits.
The days when... those eyes when they meet mine, secretly sends down a gazillion butterflies in my tummy and instantly melts me inside... and I know thats how he feels too.
The days when... my hand was never alone, never solitary... it was always filled with his. And it always fits so perfectly.
The days when we would walk side by side... because he's proud to have me...
Days when... hugs were sudden and always a surprise.
Days when... things were done for each other...without a second thought.
Days when... nothing was ever taken for granted...
Days when our laughter go so well together... sounds whole and complete.

Its so hard... sitting here at work and wiping all my tears away before anyone walks in on me.
But I have no one to talk to. And I can't take it. Holding everything in like this... its suicide.
I miss his smile and his arms around me. Safe and secure.
I miss the man I fell in love with.
I miss meaning the world to him... and I miss being someone he's proud of.

I feel like an old toy chucked in a box filled with other old toys...fogotten. Unloved.
Sigh... its getting late I better leave the office now... walking back to the car is scary these days.
Till then...bye.


Quote of the day;

"You could easily light a fire in me and put it out. And you do."

Glow-less.

Its a monday... Don't we all just not like mondays... :\ Well... I'm here to rant about not having a support system at all. I mean... when I'm being made fun of... or being put down... And if I really REALLY didn't like it... I'm sure people can sense it... especially those really close to me... but turns out not. See, if someone I love, was being made fun of or being called names ALL THE FUCKING TIME, I would some how feel protective... and I would stand up for them. And trust me, I have countless times. I admit, I have also joined in and made fun... but when its EVERY SINGLE TIME... and its the person I love who gets picked on.. I honestly wouldn't like it at all. From being called an old aunty to being called Norah Jones, whom I clearly do not resemble to being compared to Rebecca Black. Sigh. If it was really true, I'd admit it... but its not.. And people do it to just annoy the shit out of me cos they know how much I hate the girl. So yes... it doesn't bother me that I'm being compared to an annoying kid who can't sing for jack shit nor, write her own songs... It botheres me that people I love, don't know when to draw the line when it comes to making fun of me... So as a protest, I'm not gonna use a photo of myself anymore for my profile pic. Not that anyone would care... I bet some ppl wouldnt even realize... but it makes me feel better I suppose. When we're in a group, hanging out, I'm always picked at and am the one to be made fun of, rarely others. And I know... for a fact that I am not... NEVER considered beautiful... or pretty even... let's not even start with hot... cos thats something I would never ever in my whole entire life be. When growing up, since I was a kid, till this very fucking day... I have always found every other girl around me beautiful... I'm always able to pick out their best features... and go wow... she's so beautiful... when I see myself in my mirror, I'd always think... never... you'll never be ever considered beautiful. I know fuck low self-esteem right. Haih. And all my life growing up I have had an elder brother tell me things like I'm an ungly girl.. and I'm fat.. and he'd make a prettier girl compared to me. And then I met Sam... and for one year... he made me feel like I could actually be considered as pretty. Sigh. The feeling was good while it lasted... really. Anyways... I'm off for lunch now. Quote of the day; "I'll never glow the way that you glow."

Cold Desert.

I HATE WHERE I WORK.

I had to get that out. I just had to, for I've been holding it in for far too long. I can't wait to get out of this fucking racist shit hole.

Every ones so damn cold as ice. No one talks... there's no communication what so ever.
Everyone speaks either mandarin or Cantonese here. And people look down on you if you're a freshie. People here judge you by how you look. Every ones so damn demanding and not an ounce of humbleness. If you're not Chinese and if anything goes wrong in the office, you're to blame. And worst of all, they bitch behind their own best friends backs. Sigh.


With that off my chest... let it be known that I am sad, heartbroken, disappointed, hurt, down and the list just goes on, but thats how I feel now... and the only person who knows how I feel and understands me is, the weather. Heck, its not even considered a person... but its sure as hell reflecting how I feel. Gloomy as hell.

I have gone by this whole day at work feeling sick. My throat hurts. It should be okay by now, considering all the meds I took, but its not. I haven't spoken to anyone at all. Only person I actually got to talk to is Meryll, who joined me for lunch and took me to the doctors.
Sigh. Forever alone.

My phones been dead the whole day and when it finally got charged, no missed calls nor smses. Might as well have stayed dead...

I just found out today and realised that people from A&P who join me for lunch, have to do so in secret. Its like, they WANT to join me for lunch and enjoy my company but are afraid of what their bosses would think for hanging out with me... because aparently they don't fancy me much. PEOPLE HERE ARE SO DAMN FAKE. Heck if you don't like me then just carry on hating me for Pete's sake... don't hate me then be nice to me and give me free sandals and then hate me again... WHERE'S THE FUCKING CONSISTANCY BITCHES? Wanna be one right? Least you could do is live up to it and not fucking fail half way.

Sigh can't wait to find a better place where people are actually genuinly nice... and have your back.

Moving on from my mini let go of how I feel... I recall Engae (my grandma, don't ask why we call her Engae) telling me when I was young that, you know you have found the right one when, he is able to accept you for who you are flaws and imperfections all included. I honestly think thats impossible and if thats the case I'll end up a lonely old lady with cats and dogs for kid and nothing but the echo of my voice as my companion, cos I don't believe anyone ever truely does love you just the way you are. FUCKING BULLSHIT. I have lost all hope and dreams and beliefs in love. I believe in companionship and relationships, just don't think anyone ever really does love you for who you are or what you are.

No matter what you do or how hard you try, at the end of the day, everything will go unoticed. Trust me. I know. I sure as hell know.

With that being said, I conclude my entry today with this ;


Quote of the day;

"I am really no good at all, on my own."

Cracks.

Oh how time flies...doesn't it?
Its as if its on a mission to finish itself and just be done with and over.
But that don't seem to be happening...instead, it just restarts and restarts and restarts...
Holding on to a whole lotta past and bracing itself for the future and whats to come.


Valentines day came and went before we even knew it... and I have to admit... it was a memorable one... of course spent with my better half/the love of my existence.
Let's just say its got a long story which involves flowers... which I'm gonna keep in my heart till my very last breath...simply because I remain silently VERY touched... because its been a while... that I've seen my man amaze me... he made me laugh SO HARD that I couldn't breathe at one point... I literally thought I was gonna die. Good times. Simple good times. :)
Because we were both laughing together so hard... it felt good. Valentines day for us was just like any other day... and that's what I loved about it. Simple but perfect.


Us on Valentines day at Ampang Look-out Point.

Then came the Vans event which I have to say I'm so happy and proud of... cos I actually helped with the designing of the banners and I helped edit the photos... which no one knows till now, but the main principles of Vans from California said they LOVE.
I really didn't bother telling anyone cos... it would never mean anything nor be considered a big deal... I guess people just won't understand... and maybe there are other much more important things for them to be happy/proud of. Never me though.


Then came the 19th of February, which marks our 5th anniversary... which in my head I pictured a perfect day... filled with love, nostalgia, appreciation...laughter and... haih... never mind. Who was I kidding man... It wasn't as I'd have pictured... but it wasn't so bad either. I love being with him alone... there's a million things I wanna say to him... but sometimes our little mistakes and flaws get in the way... and instead of us getting to talk to each other we end up picking on each other bout small petty things... which really really... is a bummer... it spoils everything, every mood... every feeling. Sigh. Its been 3 days and there's still no reply to my message... which I admit is kinda long... which I knew he wouldn't bother reading cos he'd rather read news about politics on Malaysia kini rather than my words...

Thats us on the eve of our 5th anniversary.


Thats us after our anniversary dinner.

I almost feel like puking now... I'm kinda getting sick this grain cereal which I'm eating for lunch now... sigh. Kinda low on monies so I guess I gotta make do... but its making me sick. All gooey and soft...like baby food. Erk.

Anywhooo... I woke up like 5 times last night... I don't know why but my sleep wasn't as sound as it usually is... I remember getting up at 3.40am thinking it was 6 am... then I turned to my right to see if Lucy was next to me... and when I found that she wasn't I got kinda worried... so I jumped out of bed... had blood rushing to my head cos of the fast movement...and found her outside my room door sleeping... so I brought her in... that's all I remember... then from there onwards I slept till my alarm rang... and when I got up... I felt like crying. I KNOW RIGHT. WHAT THE BALLS.

Well lemme explain... I had so many dreams... but the last one was all I could remember... and it was a pretty good dream... I guess...


So all I can remember from my dream was... my boyfriend was this guy whom I've seen somewhere before... and after googling I found out he's the singer of OKGO...


Damian Kulash of OKGO.

and yes I know Damian Kulash is married... and older... but he looked young in my dream... and he wrote me a song... I can barely remember how it sounds... but I remember smiling and he asked why are you blushing... and he asked me to sit on his lap as he sang to me... I know I know its a pathetic dream... but he hugged me and treated me properly...and reason why I felt like crying when I got up is cos... I haven't felt so loved as like that in a while... then it hit me that before I slept I was thinking bout Sam and me when everything was...different from now. I kept asking God to help me iron out the creases... cos I want things to be alright again... Only God knows how much I truly love him.

I feel down today... kinda worn out too... tired of conflicts and misunderstandings... tired of being told that everything about me is wrong... just plain tired. That doesn't mean I'm giving up or anything, trust me I'd fight till the end for whats right and my feelings... but as for now... I'm just tired...
Alright... so I gotta head back to work now... the ladykiller is back from her lunch. Gotta behave myself for now... I just want to be heard and loved like how I used to be. Things don't necessarily have to be perfect... but just good would be more than enough for me.
Till my next post, beware of yourself. :)


Quote of the day;

This is the song I only sing when you're sleeping. These are the words I say when you can't hear me. This is the way I look when you can't see me. And you will never know.

A Lady We Once Knew...

...is gone.


Now its just me. Useless me. Nothing more...nothing less.
So I've been told...

Its the eve of CNY and I'm sitting all alone in my office with Robert Plant serenading me...
Munching on my curly fries... yes... that's my lunch. :/

I lost count of the amount of times I've sighed this morning...
I feel heavy. I know I am heavy. But this is a different kind of heavy.
Like a burden kind of heavy. Like worried kinda heavy.
Like sad kinda heavy. Like alone kinda heavy.

Its like being told that you're loved... but not being able to feel it.
Its like having all these hopes and dreams which you've been looking forward to for as long as you can remember, then having them shot down.

Feels as though... like... even though I'm surrounded by people whom I love deeply...
Not one of them has the time or the same love for me.

I'm so tired of expectations... that's all I ever get... from everyone.
I'm tired from being taken for granted most of the time... I'm here but no one sees me nor hears me.
Its just so...exhausting you know.

Every ones always wanting something or upset...
Like I'm under some invisible magnifying glass and every flaw or mistake I make...is magnified... and blown out of proportion.
Haih.

How are things ever gonna work man.
We try and try like a thousand times over, but if no ones every gonna budge...and really commit.
We're just gonna end up with two broken hearts.

My love is strong...my will is strong and I know what I want.
I can see my future... and I would do all I can to achieve that future I dream of everynight.
But I can't clap alone. Not anymore. Its just so hard... and its wearing me out.

Well I gotta get back to work now...
Happy CNY to any chinese ppl who happen to stumble upon my blog... which I highly doubt.
No one ever comes here... if this was a house, there'll probably cobwebs all over the place and long weeds growing in the lawn... and one sad creepy old lady (me) sitting on her rocking chair with a kitty on her lap in the hall... with dried tear stains down her cheek.

HAIHHHH. Okbye.

Quote of the day;

"If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you."

The Rant

So here I am sitting at my place in work... feeling so bitter.

That's a first.
Really, I've never felt this way about work... but today I feel so bitter and so hateful.
Sigh... I don't wanna feel this way, but I can't help it.

No ones ever gonna listen to me, and even if they do, they couldn't care less...I know.

So, today I ask myself, I ponder and I wonder... I wonder so hard, that the middle part between my eyebrows hurt from all the frowning.

Why are people still so damn fucking racist? And why are people power crazy?
Why do people have to prove that they're always better?
Even in this day and time, when we as human beings have advanced in so many fucking ways...
With cool gadgets which do wonders at the touch of a fingertip... with scientists finding new ways everyday to clone parts of the human for replacement of needed parts and organs.
Yet, some people's brains function like cavemen.

So, maybe I was a little overjoyed. I was excited, yes...to finally be involved and be responsible for an event, for something I truely like and am passionate about. I was so willing, so ready do play my part and do my work... So fucking stoked to be a part of this event.

Then, there's always that one person who would come and burst your bubble...
That one person who would step on the freshly bloomed roses in your garden...
That one person who for no fucking aparent reason would wanna make you feel like shit...
That one person who is the ultimate joy killer...
That one person who just... sigh... just doesn't care.

So here I am sitting right opposite listening to people plan for this event which I was once supposed to be responsible for. I can't even smile and mean it...cos it hurts, in the sense that... haih...I don't even know how to describe what kind of hurt this is. All I know is that I feel sad. :(

Alright, enough of ranting.
Its still early in the month, events only next month, so who knows maybe I might have to get involved. HOPEFULLY...


Till my next post, behave.




Quote of the day;

"What's goin on?"